I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
