After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
