I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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