i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
