Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
