Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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