There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
