You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
