1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
