YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
