I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
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