I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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