It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
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