The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
