She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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