AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
