Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
