Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Question: terrible or awesome when a girl give you head so vigorously that you get a hickey of sorts
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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