my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
