Where did you get a picture of my penis
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
