Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
