remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
