So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
