I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
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