During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
The police scanner is talking about you again....
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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