I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My vagina just recognized that song.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
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