We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
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