how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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