shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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