1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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