I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
