I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize