I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
