I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i barfeds in our rink
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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