you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
