how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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