8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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