The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
