she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
