And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
