Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
