Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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