Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
