i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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