It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
