I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
