my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
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