Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
