We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
