My Higher Power is John Stamos
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
