How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
