I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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