Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
