we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
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