OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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