I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
