good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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