I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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