"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
